


we get what we deserve (so, way down we go)

by Lou87



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Episode Related, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:01:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24107929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lou87/pseuds/Lou87
Summary: A canon divergent version of two scenes from S1 Episode 10.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 11
Kudos: 114





	we get what we deserve (so, way down we go)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still obsessed with this pairing, despite S2. Apologies, as always, for any spelling mistakes or errors.  
> Also, for anyone that needs to know, please note that what is considered a slur is used.

Jen thought she had imagined Judy at first, that her brain had conjured the image of her to torture her and to make her day even fucking worse. Yet, there Judy was, standing in the middle of the open house as if she hadn't wreaked havoc over absolutely everything.

"Hi..."

"What the _fuck_ are you doing here?"

Judy moves to close the sliding doors, "Please don't make a scene..." Her face is pleading and her eyes are so fucking honest; she hates Judy (and herself) for the messed up shitshow they've both had a part in creating.

"Get the fuck out of here,"

Judy starts to bend down, to offer assistance with the mess on the floor, "I don't want you to get in trouble...let me help you," _That's Judy_ , she thinks with a sneer, _Always fucking helping._

"No, don't fucking help me,"

"Shh,"

"You shh!" The retort makes Jen feel like a child but she can't help herself, she can't help the rage seething through every part of her.

"Okay...You look really nice,"

Jen winces at the words, as if Judy has a right anymore, after everything she ruined, after everything that Judy gave her before the truth took it all away, "Shut up,"

"Okay,"

"What the fuck are you doing here? How dare you fucking show up here...I'm working for Lorna, trying to keep a roof over my kids' heads, to keep my life together. A life that you destroyed," Jen can barely look at her, can't contemplate the things she was thinking about this woman only days ago, as if everything she thought they had hadn't been built on the worst possible lie.

"I know...and that's why I'm turning myself in...but whatever they do to me, the worst punishment of all is losing you,"

Jen rolls her eyes, "They don't care, apparently your confession isn't enough, it doesn't matter... You're free to fuck with my head all you want,"

"I dont want to fuck with your head," She looks so earnest that Jen wants to hit her in the face just so they can have a proper argument; she wants Judy to do or say _something_ so they can have a raging battle. Jen wants to hate her properly rather than see Judy's sincere, apologetic expression which almost lulls her into forgetting what she's done.

"Well, congratulations, you did anyway," Jen bites the inside of her lip as she feels tears well at the corners of her eyes; she will _not_ fucking cry.

"I-I'm sorry," Judy starts, palms upwards in supplication, as if a few apologies and a sad face meant the slate would become clean again.

"What did you think was going to happen?" Jen's lip trembles and she hates that she can't control herself, "What the fuck did you think was going to happen? With what you did? What _we_ did?" She pauses barely able to say the words, "God, Judy, we fucked in his bed, ...the bed of the man you killed, my _husb_ and..."

Judy shakes her head, "No, _no_..."Her voice lowers to a pained whisper, "Don't say that, _don't...._ That was more than just 'fucking' and you _know_ it," Jen knows that Judy's going to continue, she _knows_ that Judy won't be able to just fucking leave it alone, "Every time that we were together, I made love to you because I wanted you...more than _anything_ ,"

Jen wonders how, despite everything, those words even now, even through the hate and anger and rage, make her feel something.

"I _trusted_ you," Jen felt the tears in her eyes but refused to let them fall, "I gave you everything; my friendship, my home, my body... _everything_ ," Jen watches Judy's face as a flutter of emotions play out over her features, "And it was all a fucking game, it was all lies upon lies upon lies...."

"No, _no_ , it wasn't," Judy interrupts, "None of what we had was a lie, I _promise_ you that,"

"Was it some kind of sick game to you?" Jen can't help herself asking; she wants to be angry and sad and hateful.

"What?"

"Seeing what you'd done? How you'd messed up my life and got away with it?"

"No! I just wanted to make sure you were okay, I shouldn't have done it and he told me not to..."

_Steve_.

For a moment, Jen struggles for air.

Of course.

_Steve_.

"Were you fucking Steve too?" Jen can't restrain the anger in her voice and the rising bile in her stomach. The thought of Judy and Steve together, laughing at her behind her back fills her with nausea; images of Judy and Steve being with each other, only hours after she and Judy had woken up in her bed ( _in the soft morning light, watching Judy sleep, when she had felt happiness after wondering if she'd ever feel_ anything _ever again_ ) and she suddenly feels like she's about to vomit all over the nicely tiled floor.

"No!" Judy replies instantly, shaking her head vehemently; she can see Judy flexing her fingers, resisting the urge to get closer, "No....I....I would _never_ do that to you...it's only been you,"

Judy eventually takes a hesitant step forward, like she can't bear to be near her for much longer without touching her and Jen backs away, clenching her hands into tight fists, "I know what I did was wrong, I know that...I just thought I could try and help you, be your friend, help make you happy again," Judy's gaze darts to the floor, "And then I started wanting you, and I couldn't stop thinking about you....and when you kissed me that night, _god_ , I thought maybe this was what was supposed to happen,"

Jen sneers, " _'Supposed_ to happen? That you kill some guy and leave him to die and then a few months later, you fuck his wife? That's not fucking fate Judy, that's sick,"

Judy shakes her head, "No, no, that's not...I meant, maybe it was supposed to happen...for me to completely fall in love with you but know that some day I'll end up losing you," She pauses, "Maybe that's my punishment,"

_Completely in love with you_.

The words fall so casually from Judy's mouth, like it's _obvious_ , that it's a _given_.

Jen's breath hitches at the words that two weeks ago would have made her so disgustingly fucking happy that she would have cried. Except now her tears are for the future that she had stupidly imagined she would have with the woman who ripped her other future away from her and left it to die at the roadside.

Out of nowhere, the hubbub of the open house floats through the door and Jen is reminded of where they are, "Go," Jen tells Judy who accepts the words without argument, "Just fucking go and never _ever_ come near me or my family again,"

And just like that, she's gone as quickly as she'd arrived.

+++

Later, it feels like a whole lifetime has passed; she's arguing with Him next to the pool where he's playing the Good Guy and yet the sombre lights of the garden illuminate his face into the exact kind of evil that she'd imagined her husband's murderer to be.

"Judy would have stopped," Jen surprises herself with her response and the certainty she feels.

"Don't do that, don't defend her,"

Jen shakes her head, "I _know_ her, I _know_ Judy,"

"You don't know fucking anything about her," Steve sneers at her in derision _(you're stupid, you're naive, you silly fucking woman_ )

"I do," Jen stares him down, "I do,"

There's a pause and then a dawning look of realisation on his face and Jen _knows_ that he knows, that he's finally figured it out; a knowing smile look on his lips turns her stomach, "You're sleeping with her?" He laughs wryly, "Shit Jen, I mean, I'm not surprised about her, but you? Never pegged you as a closeted dyke,"

Jen grits her teeth, "Shut the fuck up, you sack of _shit_ ,"

She thinks of a hidden gun and of justice.

"Nah, man, fair play to you," Steve carries on, turning his back to her with a sarcastic laugh, "She's fuckin' crazy but damn, that girl is good in bed,"

_Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up_.

"And I gotta give it to her, being that ballsy? Killing the husband and then getting it on with his wife?" He nods as if he's _impressed_ and Jen restrains the bile rising in her throat as her turns around to scream at her, "But you know what Jen, tell me where the FUCK she is!"

And then there's a bullet from a gun.

And then silence.

(" _You need to come home Judy_ ")

Then, minutes pass without movement or noise, just _watching_.

And then there's the sound of a gate opening and closing, a hand intertwined with her own without question.

(" _Jen, what are we going to do_?")

_We_.

There's an ending, and a beginning.


End file.
